TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Sheep
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
October already? What’s next? November????
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.