Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I love the National Park Service.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.