Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding