(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare