TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS