Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread