Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
best first i’ve ever seen
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints