Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
You Might Also Like
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”