*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“What?”
– Jude
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Am I having a stroke?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.