*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild