Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.