[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“What movie?” 🤔
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again