*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?