tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
is this how new cars are made??
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?