*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Straight people are cancelled
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.