Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug