Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.