Time for evil
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I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit