Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?