@Kristen_Arnett

time for some seasonal decor

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@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@juliepee

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

@Darlainky

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@Mardigroan

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

@zacharyflynn

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.