time for some seasonal decor

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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.


Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”


My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.


For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.