Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.