time for some seasonal decor
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…