time for some seasonal decor
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Good news
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.