@Kristen_Arnett

time for some seasonal decor

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@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@Gorrdano

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

@StellaGMaddox

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

@broken_rhi

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@UNDEADTRESOR

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.