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My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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My neck my back my allergy attack
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.