[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.