Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
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Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”