Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.