[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*