Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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Print is alive and well!!!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Good Morning.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.