Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
cats when you pet them too long:
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.