time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin