Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.