‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Yes my dude
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
fair
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?