Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Hamburger Hinderer.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
bugs when you lift up a rock
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
For the baby who has everything
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep