Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.