Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.