time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Raisins are grape jerky.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not