TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.