Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I can’t stop laughing at this
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.