Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.