TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
brian had himself a morning…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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