Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
#NoRestForTheWicked
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
barbara was highly relatable
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.