Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top