Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor