Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.