Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
so weird how every mom was born today
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.