Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet