*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.