timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Best seat on the street 😍
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.