“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Story of my life…..
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂