Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.