Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’m sure it’s fine.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.