TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You Might Also Like
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Going into Monday like
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.